I’ve written about this before, but my aches and pains have flared up very badly again. And today, the “spoon analogy” hit home harder than usual. I recommend reading the whole thing, but the most important part is as follows:
“Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.”
Today, this hit home for me more than ever. I have to stress that I love my job, and I love studying French right now. I enjoy my work every single day, and I absolutely love my classmates/colleagues. And, today, I was invited (yet again!) to go study after work with them.
And I really wanted to! I like these people a lot, and I really wanted to go and hang out with them and speak French together. However, at the same time, I hurt so badly all I could think about was getting home, changing into pajamas, and relaxing on the couch. (This is not to mention the house guest we have, not that I’ve been that good a host to begin with.)
I feel bad about being anti-social, and I often think I should go spend more time with them. At the exact same time, when presented with the opportunity, I just feel like I can’t. (It probably didn’t help that yesterday I’d really pushed, and gone into the city for dinner with a friend. I’d had a great time, but I’d really worn myself out.)
Tomorrow, I go back to the doctor again. I don’t think the medicine I’m on is doing anything; I think it’s entirely possible that I’ve been going the entirely wrong direction this whole time.
Now to lighten the mood:
Yes, it’s death metal. But it’s a Beatles cover!